Will You Love
On a warm, summer afternoon in my 50s, tears of relief and awe streamed down my face. Through self-inquiry and conscious listening, my unconscious definition of love surfaced. This definition suffocated my ability to receive love. With acceptance, self-forgiveness, self-nurturing, self-support, and further self-inquiry, I rewrote my definition of love. Then, everything changed for the better.
Your definition of love defines your life.
(whether or not your definition is conscious)
Do you say I love you?
What does that mean to you?
Whether or not you’ve thought about it, your definition of love is an invisible governor on your ability to give and receive anything.
Because love isn’t just about relationships with people, it’s you in relationship with everything.
You may never have thought about love this way. You may have unconsciously taken on your caretaker’s definition of love. You may notice some of their patterns and behaviors within you.
You can become more loving to all (including yourself).
You can become a walking definition of love that is inclusive, respectful, wholehearted and warm.
Or, whatever you would like it to be (but doesn’t seem to be right now).
Will You Learn about Love?
Love Who You Are
Learning to love who I am has been a lifelong journey. The less I knew about how to relate with myself and treat myself in loving ways, the more I tried to fill that painful void with binge eating, workaholism and codependent over-giving at the expense of my health and wellbeing. Now in my 50s, I have broken those cycles and am free to love all, less abashedly.
If loving yourself was easy, you’d be healthy, wealthy, wise and in love with life right now.
Learning to love yourself means that you’re willing to feel and heal the hurt within you …
so you know you’re worthy of love,
so you’re willing and curious to know you,
so you create a respectful relationship with all facets of you,
so you listen, accept, support and care for everything about you,
and you truly love you.
When you love yourself, your thoughts will build you up,
your emotions will be fully felt and expressed in healthy ways, and
you’ll eat, drink, do things and experience relationships that support your vitality.
How can you know if you love you?
Your thoughts and feelings can show you.
If you think you’re a(n) …
male, female, other,
body,
level of intelligence,
degree or pedigree,
acronym,
emotion,
thought,
last name,
or if you think you’re only as good as your family,
then loving yourself is hard, because you don’t know who you are.
If you feel you’re …
bad, dumb, wrong, , boring, inferior, ugly, too much/never enough,
and you feel you deserve …
disaster, hate, pain, punishment, criticism
and feel you are not worthy of …
love, care, attention, affection, money, time, belonging, relationships, goodness, support, play, fun,
and feel you need to be something better and different before you can be loved,
then loving yourself is hard, because you don’t know who you are.
To love yourself more, your definition(s) of love and who you are can become conscious.
Then you can change those definitions, to nurture you as a valuable, needed, wanted and a loveable part of life.
Loving yourself can be easy.
Let me show you how.
Love Others As They Are
Having intimate relationships with narcissists whom depended on various addictions, I allowed my soul and body to be sacrificed in the lethal hope that they would heal. This is called codependency, not love. By learning that my soul is equally important and as valuable as theirs, I learned that I am responsible for assuring that I save my own soul. In that, I learned that love for my soul meant that I could love others … and leave them be.
Love and relationships (general)
To love others as they are, you must first love (and accept) ourself as you are. This does not mean that you must stay the same. It means you love who you know ourself to be now, and love each stage in your becoming.
If loving others is a challenge, the good news is that you can learn to accept and love yourself. The rest works itself out. In the interim, others will probably be glad that your attention is no longer focused on their change, and redirected to the only one you can change—you.
Love and relationships (dating/mate)
Letting others in can feel like losing control. That can be very frightening, as loss of control can mean loss of the circumstances that are optimal for our well-being, and even loss of life. It is a conundrum, then, to juggle these fears with feeling that we deserve love, pleasure, and support. Finding someone with whom we are truly safe—because our well-being is included in their purpose may not be easy, but it exists.
However, all is choice. Sometimes we prefer to be the only one in the driver’s seat. It comes down to what we really need and want to make our life as fulfilling and happy as possible. We don’t need anyone to complete us; We can become emotionally and intellectually self-sufficient. By doing so, we forego both the need for a partner, and the fear of losing them. This opens the door to partnerships with two people who mutually want each other, without fearful clinging or manipulation.
Love Life / God
My resentment at life/God for bringing me to a place with many humans who are false and thieves of energy, people, places and things ran deep, and erupted in yearly cycles around my birthday. As I learned to love myself, I was able to feel the love that I had always longed for from my parents. When I released the resentment towards my parents, the resentment towards life/God also lifted. I now know that I was not sent here to be punished by people who live in fear and control. And now, with grace, curiosity and care, I now know how to be the love that I sought. And my love with life/God continues to grow.
Most everyone has existential questions, anger and discontent, if they are willing to look within. “Why am I here?” “What does it all mean?” “Is there a God?” These types of questions may be poo-poo’d by the toxically positive and assuaged by the seemingly sensitive. I see these questions as the key to your very life. Bring them to me. We will meet your questions together, and be open what you need to know.
