If we’ve been duped by denial or poised for pretense … we may miss the signs to save ourself from falling in love, in bed or in dire straits, with a fake.
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Signs, signs everywhere signs!
If someone fakes their willingness and conviction to free themself from harmful habits and grow and bloom to their potential, they show us in many ways. Today, we’ll define personal growth, explore why we attract fakes, share five easy signs to spot them, and several ways to heal ourself.
What is personal growth?
Personal growth is learning to make conscious choices, which promote lasting wellbeing and joy for us, others and our world. The term personal growth is also called personal mastery, bettering one’s self, inner work and self-improvement. For a deeper dive into personal growth, see last week’s article.
What’s a fake?
In terms of faking personal growth, a fake is someone who pretends to be bigger, smarter, faster, more capable, wiser, and/or more enlightened that they are and intend to be. Fakes are often charming, and use the easy appeal of looks and words to promise what they do not intend to deliver. Fakes may also express their entitlement to get what they want, at the expense of others.
Fakes take shortcuts to get immediate results.
Something that fakes do not possess, is stable commitment to the process of personal growth. Fakes take shortcuts such as lying, attending workshops, schools and “healings,” while not applying the information to themself. They may read articles and reiterate what they read, while not knowing what the information means and not having any interest in the subject—beyond its ability to aid them in gaining the immediate result they seek.
Were we set up for fake relationships?
Some people, like myself, were set up at a young age to be prone to the sticky, soul trap of automatically and unconsciously believing people who pretend and fake things.
The following four questions can show us if we’re prone to fakes.
Below are four questions to ask ourself, which can show whether our upbringing may cause us to be prone to involvement with people who fake personal growth. Keep track of how many times we answer “Yes” to the four questions.
Question #1: Did my parent or caregiver have an addiction?
Whether an addiction to drugs, lying, cheating, stealing, pretending, sugar, alcohol, sex, etc, if those closest to us didn’t choose to say “no” to things that caused harm to themself and our relationship, we may be accustomed to taking a back seat to an addiction. For me, people close to me had addictions to drama, pity, depression, workaholism, alcoholism, lying, cheating, stealing, overeating and forced positivity while ignoring and avoiding the truth. Since that was the only normal I knew, I thought it was normal when my dates or friends behaved this way.
Question #2: Did my parent or caregiver make promises they didn’t deliver?
As a child, we may normalize lies from loved ones, as a way to feel safe. Hearing promises that wouldn’t be kept, also known as lies, was common for me as a child. My unconscious decision to allow people to lie to me, carried into adulthood. I continued to accept lies from loved ones as a way I could show them love, and that I had faith in their ability to make courageous choices to be honest and change.
Question #3: Do I speak about my parents in polarized way? (angelic or demonic, enjoyable or challenging, heroic or villainous)
As a child, I idolized family members and shared stories with others about how angelic, heroic and amazing they were, because in my mind, the truth of the darker sides of them hurt too deeply and felt unsafe to admit. I didn’t know how to deal with the darkness, so I ignored it. My unconscious choice to not accept people in their wholeness, stayed into adulthood. In retrospect, I realized that my unconscious choice to glorify others was done in an attempt to balance my pain, and to make their behavior, and my choice to continue to be involved with them, acceptable.
Question #4: Do I make excuses when my loved one’s behavior is “off?”
Growing up, I made excuses when my loved ones were depressed, overworked, drank too much, etc. I would say things such as, “So-and-so isn’t feeling good today, so they won’t be able to join us.” Or, “They are working so hard—battling the world. They have it rough, so overlook that they can’t participate.” In retrospect, I realized that my excuses simply enabled fakers to continue treating me the way they did, and enabled me to excuse them and not make the needed changes in order to care for myself.
If we said “Yes,” being with a fake can feel like “home.”
If we said yes to any of the four questions, we’ve been in a perfect set-up for falling for someone, and being involved with people, who will fake their personal growth. If we can relate to this set-up, being with a fake can feel like home. It feels normal, it feels like what we have to do, and feels like what we “have” to “put up with” in order to “patiently wait” for someone we love to “wake up” and grow. This is illusion and denial. We can choose to be stuck there, or, grow personally—into real relationships.
What do we do if we’re with a fake?
If we have dedicated ourself to personal growth and want to attract others who do as well, it’s paramount that we stand for our ideals and know “a fake” when we experience one. That’s not to say that a person can’t have a cataclysmic spiritual event where they wake up to and begin to grow personally. However, most people who live in a fake way, who fake their personal growth, who fake what they stand for, will not change—because they lack the interest and/or capability to look within. And looking within is required for personal growth.
To save ourself from hanging our hopes on a fake, here are:
5 Signs Someone is Faking their Personal Growth
- They refuse to look at and take responsibility for where they don’t match. For example, yesterday I spoke with someone with diabetes, which is a sugar issue. I asked if they were taking care of themself. They told me yes, they were taking good care of themself, and that they were drinking a popular mixture of sugar, water, dyes and natural flavors. They followed that up with an excuse for drinking the popular drink. This doesn’t match.
- When you tell them how you’ve grown, they tell you they already did that. For example, I shared with someone a lesson I learned about not taking something personally. He shared that he knows that, has experienced it, and tells his employees that all the time. However, I have watched this person emotionally break down after taking things personally.
- When you discuss your healthy choices, they tell you how healthy their old habits are, which actually promote their current diseases. I talked with someone about the proactive health choices I made with a healer that resulted in better circulation. Their response was, yeah, I really need to do that, but I just don’t have time.
- They repeat the same story about “working on it,” but nothing changes.
- The “love” hurts. If the relationship does not feel loving to us, it can lead to a host of illnesses—both physical, psychological, emotional and more. Do we feel anxious, deeply sad, disheartened, no truth and connection in relationships? Do we feel hopeless, and/or see no real, lasting improvement, yet we stay relationships that compound these feelings? If so, we can love ourself enough to identify fake love and save ourself from pain, shame, denial and disappointment.
We can elevate beyond relationships with fakes, by prioritizing our worth.
Knowing our own worth, even when no one else does, is vital to identifying and avoiding fakes. If we feel unworthy of being with someone who is growing (because no one has shown us that we are worthy of this) it’s time we show ourself. We may begin by repeating three affirmations:
- I do matter.
- I am worth knowing.
- I am important.
We can validate that it’s ok for someone we love to be a fake.
Because it is, in fact, ok—it is their conscious or unconscious choice and free will. And, it is OK for us not to be. And we can choose to be more and more real every day. To become more accepting of people as they are, and not live in denial of their truth based on who we want them to be (and maybe who they say they are), we can use the following affirmation as a mantra. We may say, sing, hum or chant it as often as needed. This is also one of the Will You Affirmations, located in our books and card deck.
- I am thankful for insight.
Rather than being in denial, being a Pollyanna and hanging our whole life on hope for a fake who refuses to grow …
We can create a safe, inner-place to grow, know and learn. By doing so, we neither look to others, nor lean on them, to teach us. This allows us to learn from within. This allows us to simply share life and love with others who are honest, rather than needing something from those who aren’t.
Will You?
I encourage you to give yourself the objectivity to see everyone for who they are. No one can do this for you, and by doing so, you’ll always know that somebody cares—and that somebody is you! Let us know how applying today’s concepts works for you! We enjoy hearing from you 🙂
And, heads-up on our Will You tour dates! We’d love to see you through May 21st in the Sea Islands of South Carolina! Join us for a lighthouse beach walk, bike ride, inspirational talk and delicious lunch or dinner. Advance bookings are required, so click to learn more, book today and we’ll see you there!
Always with love,
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